Hard Days

No photos today…

The past 2 days have been hard.  I’m sure everyone knows why today was hard so I’ll get to that in a min.

A few weeks ago my husband, son, and I moved to a new house.  We’re right on a canal and it’s beautiful and serene and…just really really nice.  Truly.  But…we’re RIGHT on the water.  There’s no fence between us and it and this is a constant source of stress for me.  Our son is 14.5 months old.  He’s brave.  Very brave.  And he’s fascinated with the water.  I can not, not even for a second, sit down when I bring him out there.  Not unless I put him in his walker (which he can’t move through the grass with) or his highchair.  He’ll last a few min in those, but not long because he wants to RUN!  So…no rest for me!  We’ll go onto the dock and he tries to step into the water.  We’ll be on the lawn and he tries to climb down the wall into the water.  Never ending.  My husband…I don’t know if he really *gets* it.  He’s always asking if we’re going to come out and sometimes we do.  Sometimes we don’t.  But I don’t enjoy the stress of constantly worrying that Sebastian is going to fall in.

So anyways, yesterday it was nice and hot out.  And we took a long walk and came home and the water felt so great!!  So I changed into my suit and put Seb in a full body sun suit thing.  I was dipping him into the water, which he Loves, and he got bored so John came onto the dock and sat so I could get totally in.  I was maybe 2 feet from the dock, in the water and John was on the back of the dock (maybe 2 feet from the front of it.  And it happened.  Sebastian walked over to the edge, leaned over to grab something, and fell in.

My. Heart. Stopped.  I know I let out a little scream.  It all only lasted a few seconds, at most.  But it felt like an eternity.  I can see every split second in my mind.  He falls in and immediately sinks.  The canal is Clean.  And the first foot is clear.  But after that?  Nope, you can’t see anything.  Sebastian sunk far enough so that I could barely see him as I throw my body forward at the same time John does.  We grab him at the same time, me, just barely grabbing the back of his outfit and John grabbing his leg, and we pull him up.  And he’s fine.  Totally fine.  I don’t even think he sucked any water in.  No sputtering.  No chocking.  He cried, of course.  It scared him.  It scared me, too.  And John.  Finally.  Maybe he gets it now??  

But since then…it’s been in my head every second.  I see his body in the water, so close to being far enough where I could no longer see him.  I am an awesome swimmer.  I can open my eyes in the water and see.  But NONE OF THAT WOULD MATTER because you can’t see in the water.  I’m petrified now.  Thankfully, John is too.  He wants to bolt a box to the dock with an high powered underwater light, and goggles, etc…just in case.  I said that from now on I seriously think he’ll only be allowed to run around out there with a life jacket on, or at the very least, arm floaties.  He agreed.  He even researched swim lessons, but, and I already knew this, it’s hard to find any sort of “lesson” for babies his age.  It’s all “getting used to the water” which does NOTHING if you fall in. 

I can’t believe…as vigilant as I’ve been…and trust me, I’m always Right at his side, usually with my hand around his arm, when we’re anywhere near that water…but even with all that…he still fell in.  I could have lost him.  I tried for 6 YEARS to get pregnant and in an instant that Most Wanted Baby…he could have been gone.  I feel guilty.  I feel scared.  But, I also feel thankful.  Thankful that we were both right there.  Thankful that he’s okay.  Thankful that maybe John gets it a little more now.  

I’m not sure when, if ever, this will not crowd my brain every waking (and sleeping) hour.  It haunts me now.  Since then…I’ve hugged him a little more, kissed his little lips a little more, and held him a little more…well, as much as Mr. Independent will allow.  And now, even though I knew…I Really Know…it can happen in a second.  When you least expect it.  Watch your children by the water.  Watch them like a hawk.  

So if yesterday wasn’t bad enough…today.  Boston.  I grew up in Connecticut so Boston was right in our backyard.  Only a few hours away from where I lived.  It’s one of my very favorite cities…  Sebastian and I were upstairs and John was down, working, when he called up the stairs asking if the news was still one.  “No, of course not!” I replied…I hate the news…it’s depressing!!!  He told me to turn it on and I heard him coming up.  “Why???”  “What’s wrong!?”  Nothing.  He just stood there, staring at the tv while I got it onto the news channel.  And then I saw.  Why???!!  

My first thought was with my older sister.  She and her family had gone into Boston today, to go to a museum.  But still…you never know.  So I texted both her and my brother-in-law.  Thankfully, they were fine.  Safe and sound in the museum…though only about a mile and a half away!  Then, my thoughts turned to a friend of mine who had a friend running.  But he was fine too.  I talked to my family.  I wanted to cry.  Such evil.  

Why do we do this to each other?? Whether the person, or people, who did this was American or from other country…doesn’t really matters.  WHY can’t we live in peace?  Why do people try to force their beliefs on others?  And when you don’t agree…cause such pain?  Why does it matter if I agree with you, or you agree with me, so long as we can be kind and respectful of each other??  

I’m sad at the world.  I’m scared that my son will grow up with this a normal thing.  I wish I could shelter him…shield him.  But we all know that nowhere is safe.  We could buy some property at the top of the mountain and order everything we need sent to us.  But what kind of life would that be??  No travel?  No experiences??  I’d go crazy!!!  Lol.  Seriously!!  But who doesn’t want to run away from all this???

So…that was my last day and a half.  Full of fear. 

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